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How did No More Christian Nice Guy change your life? If you are a woman in the life of a Christian nice guy, Paul wants to hear from you as well. How has the Christian Nice Guy problem affected your marriage? Dating? Divorce? Your story matters!

Form coming soon.

Q: Dear Paul. You say being nice is bad, but when I read the definition of nice it sounds good to me. Being nice means being "kind, pleasant, respectful, friendly and considerate." What's wrong with that?!

A: This is a great question, one a few talk show hosts have asked as well (I wish more would). If this is how all "nice" people actually lived, then there's nothing wrong with it at all. In fact it would be great. But this isn't how many "nice" people actually live. They only pretend to demonstrate such virtues. For example, it is a Nice Guy trait to appear respectful when disagreeing with someone. But the real reason many nice people don't speak their minds isn't because they're trying to be friendly or gracious, but because they're afraid of potential conflict. Their friendliness is really fear and passivity in disguise, which causes a lot of problems. Namely, they are unable to be truthful.

Another example. Nice Guys don't express their sexual desires with their wives, not because, say, they are being respectful of their wife's exhaustion, but because they fear her rejection, possibly even her anger.

What makes matters worse is that Nice Guys receive a series of tidbit awards for being so passive and dishonest. They often receive praise from people who are fortunate enough not to live with them or rely upon them. They are often held up as ideal Christian men in church as well. If pastors only knew the full story.

Q: I read your article on Crosswalk.com and as a pastor I couldn't disagree more. Why do you think that the problem of men not going to church is solved by encouraging them to be more selfish, self-centered, aggressive, confrontational, hostile, and assertive? What do you think would happen if all men became this way?

A: Dear Pastor. What article did you read?! Nowhere in my writing do I encourage men to be what you describe, with the exception of being assertive. Your misrepresentation of my message points out a remarkable distinction. Most pastors get this message and agree. But there's a handful who appear so far gone, so much part of the problem, that no amount of writing on my part will help them. Such pastors are negligent, dangerous, and should step down today because they are ministers in name only, not by deeds.

If all men became Christian Good Guys instead of CNGs we would experience blessings never seen before. But for some, following Jesus means worshipping the status quo, a paltry excuse for comfort at the expense of our souls and to the detriment of those who need our support and protection.

Q: I'm a Christian Nice Guy who wants to become a Christian Good Guy, but I'm not sure my wife will let me. What can I do to help her give me the freedom I need to change?

A: Tell her that the proof is in the pudding. Be honest and say that you recognize how fearful and passive you've been and that you want to change and that you are going to make mistakes on your journey toward becoming a Christian Good Guy. Tell her that she has nothing to fear because if you don't become a better person, then you'll do what you need to do to become a better person. Your defense will be your better behavior, which healthy women of goodwill applaud and nurture.

There is usually an uncomfortable period when change takes place. But on the other side is a much better life for both of you. With time, you'll both experience it and never want to go back to the old days. Let me know how it goes.

Q: How do I tell my husband about this behavior, how it is affecting both our lives and our children's lives, and at the same time making sure not to hurt his feelings?

A: I can tell by your question that you are a woman of goodwill. He's a fortunate man.

Be truthful and gracious. Being truthful without being gracious is like performing surgery without anesthesia. Talk to him during a time when he can focus on what you're saying. Don't use words that shame him, words that take his value away as a man or embarrass him. Make his behavior the problem, not him.

For example, if his behavior hurts your finances, don't say, "you're ruining our lives with what you're doing!" This may be true, but saying so will shut him down. Instead say: "When we spend more than we make it puts our family in danger. Here's what happening..." This doesn't make him the problem, but makes the behavior the problem.

Try to make physical contact with him during these times, assuring him that he's not losing you and that you still care. Consider having your talk while on a walk. Guys tend to open up more when doing something physical. Wives are prone to start a confrontational conversation more harshly than husbands. Here are better ways to begin:

"I'm angry about something, and I'd like to talk about it." "I know we've talked about this before, but I need to bring it up again. I'll try to be brief." "You might not like what I'm about to say, but I need you to listen and see if there is anything that has merit." "I know that you see things differently than me about this topic, but I'd like to try finding some common ground." "This isn't easy for me. If I twist my words, please give me a chance to get it right."

See how this is still being truthful but also gracious? It doesn't put him on his heels from the get go.

Ultimately, he needs to know that you're in his corner. Approach this problem through the age old truth that you tend to get more bees with honey than vinegar. This doesn't mean you roll over and die and let him continue to ruin your lives together. Instead, you are wise as a serpent in how to approach the problem, willing to modify your own thinking when needed. I wrote No More Christian Nice Guy in such a way that a guy wouldn't feel attacked while reading it. I hope he reads it.

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